Fear Death?

Am I afraid to die?

image taken from http://eofdreams.com

A friend asked me "Are you afraid?", without a thought I said "NO". I dont know if that was weird or what, but it's just the way I feel. I dont know what I will become after dying...that is if death is becoming or just merely going. I had a good journey, quite a few stuff I missed doing but it was still a life well spent. I did most of what I believed in, I defied my own beliefs just to justify that I am in fact believing the belief I want to believe and to feel what's it like to not believe in them. Been trying the constant evolution, changing my mind all the time just to make sure I'm on the right course. I had made people turn away from me because of this- my bestfriend and an almost bestfriend guy, but they taught me a thing or two.

When I started visiting the cardiologist, he told me "You dont have much time, it's not years we are talking about"...I cried but not because Im afraid of dying but I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my reason for living - Amara.

The only thing that is on my mind when I think of death was the wellbeing of my daughter. I dont know but it fears me to leave her to his father's care. She has many potentials, she has a life to live, and I dont think living with her father would make her live the "life", travel the journey. I wanted her to see the world, question and build her own beliefs and live with it. I wanted to be there to guide her and help her explore her individuality, discover the connection, care and affect people and the world she is living in. I wanted her to find a right reason to love and not just love. i wanted her to live and not just exist. That's what sends me out crying when thinking Im leaving her. It's not the death, it's the leaving!

Live and I mean live... Fame, money, success wont save you from dying. If there is no afterlife, the world will continue existing without you. It might mean oblivion for you. Some people are afraid of death because of the uncertainties it brings. Some are afraid because they wont be there to the life they worked hard for, working - getting rich and just dying- what's the point right?

I dont know... I'm also asking myself this : Am I not afraid of death because I've been wanting life to end and I'm just rationalizing in good way so the it would sound brave? Maybe. But a question arises. Do I really wanted life to end? of course not. I still wanted to live for Amara, because I have items in my bucketlist to cross out, because I've got a lot of things I still wanted to do and see and feel and give and live for. It's kind of frustrating that the things you love doing are dying right in front of your eyes. Well maybe I am afraid to die for me to seek a doctor, and not do stuff like surfing, biking, climbing, playing volleyball etc etc. Or I guess it's just prolonging my life to be with my kid and not really fear of dying.

Now am I afraid to die given those still-to-be-done stuff. Still NO. I may have been more afraid afraid to live just because.

It's not just this time that I have fought with this disease. VSD by the way with pulmonary hypertension and possibility of eisenmenger syndrome. Everyday since I was a kid, I have been fighting with it. The way people look at you - weak for having a hole. People would tell me things I cannot do and should not do, but it's my life. I have experienced being pulled out from a basketball team and I have experienced being on a team but they do all the playing just because they think I cant do it because of the hole. If I ever succumbed to the things people limits me to do, will I be afraid to die- maybe yes. Because I could not say I have lived.

I did things better than a normal person. There are times that it would make me dizzy, would make me grasp for air, would make me just wanna give up but I didnt because it is living. I did not become the greatest player I dreamed to be but I played overcoming the limitations that other people had set for me. I did not become a good surfer and was not able to ride a shortboard yet but I was able to surf with what my heart can bear. I hiked, did not hiked my dream mountains, Mt. Roraima, Mt Pulag, Mt Bulusan and Mt. Mayon yet but I climbed mountains. I swam and dived, well I did not become a licensed diver and freediver but I did scuba dived and freedived to how deep my single breath could carry me. I am not rich but I volunteered, donated to humanitarian causes and environmental causes just because I believe that we need to care. I am no saint and Im not selling myself, did a few stuff that I regreted doing but I can say that I can only think of few stuff I regret that I didnt do, and mostly it involves Amara.

It wasnt big what I did most of the times but it is still doing something. Dreaming big and doing small is way better than dreaming big and wants to do the big things and skipping the small stuff. I think you would be afraid to die following this belief because you wont be able to do anything at all.


I'll simply die because I am alive and I am not afraid to die because I have lived a life.